The best gift of all..

At last..

After 8 months of waiting from the time we found out that we had conceived her..

After 10 months since the wedding..

After 23 months since we got engaged and dreaming of having a child together..

After 1 1/2 years since we bought her first clothes.. M & Ms baby rompers which looked too cute to pass so we got it for our planned first child..

After months of paranoia and worries throughout the pregnancy..

Our little bundle of joy arrived at 2.43pm on 02nd Nov 2008.

Now comes another years and years of paranoia and worries..

and lots of sleepless nights..

I can remember clearly when I first found out that I am gonna be a daddy..

I had just landed into Brisbane on 04th March 2008. While I was just stepping out of the airport when I felt my phone beeped.. so at the entrance of the airport, while waiting for the rest of the crew, I checked my phone.. and there was this msg from my wife..

"Pls msg me when u land. Make sure u do..."

and..

"I got something very impt to tell u. It's nothing bad. I bet u tt its not bad news"

Obviously, I wasnt gonna msg her. Out of my pure kanchiongness for the "something impt", I called her right at the airport entrance..

And she told me the beautiful news.. that she tested positive using the home-test pregnancy kit..

I froze..

Totally..

I'm gonna be a dad.

I was totally speechless. I forgot at that point of time that I was in Brisbane.. coz for a moment I thought I was in Heaven.

A leading stewardess next to me saw my face changred and asked me right after I put down the phone.. "What happened?"

I couldnt talk for a moment.. I could just smile..

One of the happiest moments of my life..

I was totally crazily happy..

8 months later.. I was crazier and happier..

Of course.. initially it came as a mixed feeling.. from the time my wife had her first contraction that beautiful morning of the 02nd of Nov... I was so excited abt her arrival.. and still hoping that she remains a SHE coz of all the dresses and the pink stuffs we had already bought.. if she turned out to be a HE, we cant possibly let my son wear the dresses.

I saw the pain she had to go through, and felt totally helpless, coz, as a husband.. I could do nothing to ease that pain..

I was just praying that everything will go fine and the labour will be fast and uncomplicated..

She came through at 2.43pm, and the first thing I noticed when she was coming out was.. she started screaming when she was just HALFWAY out of my wife.. no need for butt hitting to get her to cry.. no Ma'am.. this little girl is capable of doing it right from the womb..

That was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard..

The doc placed her right on top of my wife and though I had always pretended to be concerned abt her gender, I was actually more concerned abt her condition and I was scanning for any physical imperfections.. not that we would love her any less if she does.. but at least if she does.. we can be prepared from the beginning to do something abt it..

Our little bundle of perfection remained a little girl and thus became the official owner of the dresses.

Through the pregnancy.. I was so paranoid..

What if I was sick and had passed some sickness to my little baby?

What if I am sick with some deadly sickness and wont be able to see her..

What if I had died before she came and I became a nightly story that her mom tells her on how I could have been a good dad..

What ifs..

Then I realised that I was being too paranoid and I guessed that every father-to-be would go through the same phases of paranoia.. So I decided to be more optimistic and start planning for our lives together..

Right after I cut off her umbilical cord, the one of the nurses took her to the warmer to warm her up.. and was the first to notice and comment.. that my daughter has a deep dimple on her right..

Wow..

And considering the fact that she has a beautiful mom..

I was planning on how to interrogate her upcoming suitors.. the ones who attempts to be my son-in-law.. so I shall list down the criterias one of these days..

Right after I buy a shotgun to place in front of the house to scare them away.

We got EXACTLY what we had prayed for..

We wanted a baby right after we got married.. we didnt.

Coz if we had gotten her during the first month, it would have been impossible for us to do what we did during the honeymoon.. up the mountain, but we wouldnt have been able to ski and snowmobile and all those things we did and my wife will not be feeling good..

So we conceived her during the honeymoon..

We had wanted a girl to be the first baby..

And we got a girl to be our first baby..

My wife had an easy pregnancy.. or rather.. much much easier than I had expected and anticipated.. so it made things so much easier for me as well..

No morning sickness, no moodiness.. just during her 5th month, she felt pain at the tailbone and close to the end of the pregnancy, she was starting to feel the pain at the pelvic when the baby started to move downwards..

She didnt feel the Braxton Hicks.. and felt her very first contraction pain hours after the water bag broke..

The delivery was very very smooth and fast..

I had used up all my annual leave for the wedding and the honeymoon.. so the only available leave that I had was my 7 days matrimonial leave that was to be used within 12 months of the wedding..

So initially, I had wanted to apply for the leave from 10th Nov till 16th Nov, coz the expected due date was the 11th..

So our gynae mentioned that if I would apply for it on the 10th, my daughter would have come out when I come back from flight.. so he told me to apply for the leave a week earlier as it is a trend now that they give birth on the 39th week..

So I applied for my leave from 03rd Nov, and I was off from work from 02nd Nov..

and she came on the 02nd Nov.. right on the date that I was hoping she would arrive.

We wanted her birthdate NOT to coincide with anyone so she can have a birthday party just for herself.. and true enough.. she has her own date.. and it only coincide with Shahrukh Khan but he's not invited for the birthday party.

We chose to have her delivered in a private hospital as compared to KKH coz of some horror stories that we have heard.. so we chose Gleneagles Hospital..

I compare Gleneagles to a rich, pretty girl who has an attitude.. it looked all glam and pretty from the outside, but u have to be patient and swallow ur anger and bear the attitude..

Somehow I think they chose the best of their staff to be at the frontline to present a good front.. but I find the nurses very grumpy and and always in a bad mood.

Not the Filipino nurses coz they are mostly polite and nice.. but the local ones..

But they get most of the things done.. MOST.. not all..

Coz when we informed the nurses that the baby has a discharge on her right eye and asked for some swaps to clean it up, she didnt come back.. had to inform another one and waited for more than half an hour for it..

And so I had to go over to the nursery and blasted at the nursing officer coz all that I wanted was a clean swap so I can clean my baby's eye myself..

I didnt even ask them to do it. I didnt want to delay any longer coz I'm a new dad and I'm paranoid and I wanna make sure that my daughter don't end up having an infected eye.

The second nurse came to us shortly afterwards to apologize coz she was stuck with another patient..

Fine.. but it didnt excuse the first nurse to ignore us anyway..

And the Malay girl at the cashier's, as I headed down in the morning, was so aloof and cold, and abrupt in her manners..

Except in the afternoon when she was attending to some ang mohs, then I saw her smile..

But the counter staff at the admission.. they are not short of fantastic.. very helpful and friendly.. and the admission when we came in was effortless..

The staff at the labour ward was good too.. nice and friendly and took care of my wife as much as I had thought they could afford to..

But we decided to go to Gleneagles coz we knew that the baby will be taken care of.. I spoke to a male nurse somewhere just not too long before my baby's birth that in his experience during the attachment in KKH, he saw a baby who's back was lined with feaces coz they were having too many babies and too little nurses.

And our first time at the polyclinic a day after I came back from Brisbane to confirm the pregnancy before we wailed out to tell the world.. we were hurried out of the clinic by the doctor who was more concerned abt going for lunch even though we arrived at the polyclinic way before lunch time and was delayed by the registration process and the waiting time..

and to compare that to our gynae, Dr KW Lee.. wow..

Of course, there's a price to pay for everything though.. and at the end of the day.. I knew that I had done all I can to make sure that I provided what I can for my wife and daughter during the pregnancy and delivery..

So my little baby princess has officially become a Mother..

And this old man, after almost 36 years of his life.. has officially become a Father..

and I promise u, my little girl.. that I will be the best dad I could ever be for u..

So, my darling.. I present u to the world..

And will guide u through ur life, in which I plan to be a very integral part of, no matter how intrusive and naggy and old fashioned u think I am..

I used to be cool though.. even if u find it hard to believe when u are old enough to read this..

So now, I present to the world..

My little baby girl..

Who's picture I stole from my wife..


Nadya az-Zahra Binte Zulkarnain

Cultures and Counterculture and being Effectively Bilingual.

Happy Belated Deepavali to my Indian friends and anyone who's Indian (including my wife, my brother, my sis in law and my upcoming daughter) who comes across this posting.

Had to go to work yesterday, despite it being Deepavali.

I dont celebrate it anyway.. not in a sense like a celebration kinda thing.. But I miss Deepavali of those yesteryears.

Sweet cakes, Thosai, Curries..

I dont have that many local Indian friends nowadays that will invite me over for Deepavali. I used to have quite a number of good friends who will invite me over for Deepavali and Chinese New Year and Christmas, and I will invite them over for Hari Raya and my mom will cook her trademark Briyani.

Somehow, besides my wife and my mom and myself in the mirror.. I dont see much of other local Indians around anymore..

Came across an Indian man, somewhere in his 50s in the lift yesterday as I was about to leave for work.. I wished him a Happy Deepavali and asked abt his celebration plans for the day..

So he told me that he was going to the temple and afterwards, heading down with his wife and kids to his parents place to celebrate.

Thatz when I realised..

I dont see or hear much abt that nowadayz..

Locals.

Somehow, I miss them.

Recently, in my futile attempt to repair and clean my Armani specs.. I removed the screws and was unable to fix it in back..

So a few days later.. when I returned to Singapore.. I headed down to Tampines Mart, to an optical shop.. to get it fixed.

So the guy working in the shop, laughed when he saw what I did and showed me how to do it.

There's a trick to fixing it in as the spring in the frame will move the alignment of the holes.. and without using a wire to hold it in place, it's impossible to fix it in.

This is a fella in his 30s, who might probably spot some Ang Kongs somewhere and his natural language is Hokkien.

I like Hokkien speaking Bengs. I have a lot of Hokkien Speaking Beng friends and I am always comfortable with them.

I might be stereotyping on the Ang Kongs.. but I know enough Hokkien speaking Bengs as I had grown up in a neighbourhood who's official language was Hokkien and Tamil.

That's Dover Rd.

How I miss that place.

It's a place where Malays and Indians and Chinese will sit together at the coffeeshop and we are all friends and we'll cover each other's back and everyone who's in a secret society will be in the same one. No matter what race u are.

Not that I was in any. My societies are all not so secret.

I was doing National Service as a policeman back then and I was rest assured that those guys would not allow anything bad to happen in the neighbourhood. In fact, I know them being very anti-drug addicts so we didnt get that kinda problems in the neighbourhood.

They just like to chill at the coffeeshops and drink their tea in the morning and beers in the afternoons till evenings.

Back to my Hokkien-speaking mentor at the shop.

In all friendliness of a Hokkien speaking sales-rep who's attempt to speak Malay to my mom was admirable, he refused payment for the services rendered to me (not that I expected him to charge as it was a trivial matter.. but it was his working time anyway.. he could have if he wanted to though it will be very weird if he would) managed to sell my mom a new pair of specs.

That's how it used to be.

Our locals who used to run the moms-and-pops neighbourhood shops knows enough to create a rapport with the ppl enough to secure their own regulars.

Back in Dover Crescent in the 1990s, there was a shop called Jumbo.

It was a 4-unit minimart ran by this middleage plump, happy looking, always smiling owner, who's known to everyone as Jumbo.

Jumbo will give discounts to everyone for about everything.

Even cigarettes have discounts.

He will waive off anything if he feels like it.

Take a drink which will cost abt 80 cents.

U take it from the fridge and go to the counter..

"Jumbo.. how much ah?"

"80 cents.. aiyah nehmind.. 60 cents sudah"

That's how it was..

Jumbo with his everything got discount.

U dont need GSS to get a sale there.

And he knows a lot of ppl by name. He greets them and was always nice. So he gets a regular stream of customers.. and when they decide to tear down the block, he moved over to the main road and bought a coffeeshop.

And his coffeeshop is the only one there so he makes a lot of money still.. just that Jumbo no longer physically need to run the place so he can just collect money now while ppl work for him.

But I doubt there's anymore discounts since he's no longer there..

So here I am, 20 years later.. whining about the loss of our locals.

Dont get me wrong. I'm not xenophobic.

Never had been. Never will be.

I'm just pissed.

As I had mentioned months and months back.. there was an incident in Coffee Bean where a PRC counter staff asked me to speak in Mandarin, while I was at one of their outlet in Forum Galleria.

If u walk around neighbourhood malls and u come across a sign looking for sales staff, u'll definitely see it with "Able to speak Mandarin"

Open up the classifieds nowadays and u'll see ads with requirements like "Able to speak Mandarin (to liase with Chinese speaking customers)" or "Effectively Bilingual"..

I came across ads nowadays to requires "Malay speaking" and not too long ago.. one which states "Tamil speaking (to liase with Tamil speaking colleagues)"..

now.. that's just weird..

What's Effectively Bilingual?

Can I tell them that I am effectively Bilingual coz I, the Indian Man, can speak English and Malay?

I am DEFINITELY, EFFECTIVELY, BILINGUAL.

But can I get the job?

Nah.. coz Effectively Bilingual means that u must be able to speak Mandarin or any other Chinese Dialects.

I think the government must put a stop to this.

Recently, while walking ard White Sands Shopping Mall in Pasir Ris, I saw an ad looking for sales staff..

Must be cheerful and pleasant.

Must be able to speak Mandarin.

Foreigners Welcomed.

So what does that mean?

It means that any PRC foreigners who wishes to come to work there, can. While I, the local, would not even be given a second thought.

And dont get me wrong..

I dont have anything against foreign talents.

If they come with talents.

But to take them for the sake of taking them? Its really eradicating all the cultures and subcultures that we Singaporeans had built through the decades and decades of assimilating ourselves.

Those childhood textbooks of ours in the 70s and 80s talks abt Ahmad, Peter, Ah Seng and Muthu.

The Olympics itself had shown us on how some ppl can just use us as a platform for themselves and create a joke out of the country. Forever in the history of the Olympics are now etched the facts that Singapore won a medal through a Beijing resident.

My mom became a Singaporean in the 80s.

She had lived in Singapore since the 40s. Grew up here, worked and went to school here, in Telok Paku and TKGS.

I dont have a problem with foreigners who comes here and WANT to be here coz they are in love with the way we are. Everyone here comes from an Immigrant root. Except for the Malay friends of ours of course, but they are mostly quiet so, me, the one who came from three immigrant sides of South Indian, Pakistani and Chinese, is whining.

Foreigners are welcomed. Just that, if u wish to stay, be, feel and think Singaporean. We had gone through so much changes as a society that if we evolve now, we'll be an open pot where ppl can just throw in any ingredients.

Throw in things that wont dissolve and all u get are individual solids that wont merge and at the end of the day, the cauldron will just explode.

So what is it abt being Effectively Bilingual?

Just to liase with Mandarin Speaking Customers?

what about those English speaking Indians and Malays and Eurasians?

Not to whine about things that appear greener on the other side, but any other countries would not tolerate these nonsense.

In Australia and UK, they depend so much on trade with other countries too..

But try to advertise some jobs as a Software Engineer and put there, "Able to speak Mandarin, to liase with Chinese speaking customers"

it doesnt mean that Australia and UK dont make money coz they dont support such a mindset.

Through Wiki.. I came across this statement..

"Australia's largest export markets are Japan, China, the US, South Korea and New Zealand"

China.

They do trade in China, but they dont advertise for jobs that requires a receptionist to be Effectively Bilingual.

How about trading with a Japanese? Shouldnt we look for Japanese Speaking employees to liase with Japanese Speaking clients?

We all know that Japanese ppl are more comfortable in speaking in their own Japanese language.

It is an offence in a lot of countries even to ask a simple question like "Do u speak Italian?" if the job dont call for that language proficiency, like being a translator or a journalist in an Italian newspaper or something like that.

But somehow, even though the government does not condone it, the private companies are taking advantage of the situation.

I miss our locals.

And those immigrants of so many years back who try to be Singaporeans.

Cultures are beautiful. U can keep ur culture while maintaining a distinct Singaporean identity.

Just be Singaporeans when u come over and not expect the rest of Singapore to change to adapt to u.

Being Multi-Racial and Multi-Cultural is nice and colourful. I dont wish Singapore to be any other way. But if we allow ourselves to accept diversity while being diversified, soon enough we'll be just like New York.

While being more talented and artistic due to foreign talents, New York has its own shares of triads which springs from different subcultures. And they have guns. Not what we need for Singapore anyway.

Aiyah.. my brother says that u give up the rights to whine when u dont do something abt the problem. But I'm just a whiner. And I'm just lamenting the loss of our own Singaporean culture.

and I'm still Effectively Bilingual.

Mariska Hargitay!

The Past, Present and the Future..

I'm in my room in Tokyo now.. or rather.. in Narita.. just outside of Tokyo.

18 days time till the full pregnancy term.. 40th week.. but our gynae mentioned that the baby might come out a week earlier.. so tentatively.. 11 days or so till the arrival of our baby girl..

Had our weekly scans now.. and the baby's position is good.. facing backwards.. though doc said that she might move around a lil bit..

We are first time parents.. so obviously, clueless and kanchiong.. we know whatever that we think we know through books and websites.

Of course u experienced parents of multiple kids would laugh and scoff looking at our naivety..

But its ok.. I'ld rather be kanchiong.

And clueless..

Anyway.. it seems like the rain in Singapore for the past 2 days had followed me to Tokyo.. and I think I am falling sick.. I had been down with a bad case of food poisoning for the past few days and spent my off days in the toilet.

ok.. a recap on what had happened recently..

My past is haunting me.

Ok.. didnt really haunt.. but in all pleasantness.. a lot of ppl of whom I knew when I was much younger reappeared..

First was my sec school classmates.. Norizam, whom I met last year in Funan.. Zahed several months back in Tampines Mall.. Yasser, Norlinda, Anuar, Zuriany on Facebook.. Hawa on my flight to Sydney..

Then my bestfriend, Siti Sohrah.. whom I mentioned just a few days before.. recontacted through Hawa again..

And several days back.. Isriyanti, found my blog.. (btw, Yanti.. my name is Zulkarnain, not Dzulkarnain :)

ok.. so whatz the problem now..

Nothing actually..

This is an entry for my wife..

I have the best wife in the world.. and therez nothing and no one in the world that I would trade her for.

We have the best life we can have..

But now with all my old friends coming back.. i'm just afraid that she'll feel threatened by their presence..

Or not really their presence..

But the fact that there are somethings abt me that she doesnt know..

Like when Siti tells her that I used to draw..

and now Yanti mentioned that too in the comment..

And my former neighbour's kids.. who used to come down to my place to ask me to paint for them.. and we met one of them working at Mothercare..

I dont draw anymore coz I'm not really good at it.

Just like pool..

I used to like to play pool..

Till I met some really really good players who hustle almost for a living..

and i realised how stupid I look when I played.. so I stopped playing..

Now I cant play pool for nuts..

So the same.. I dont draw.. I dont paint. I stopped doing that a long time ago.

And thatz the reason why I didnt mention it to u..

So before u say it..

Or before u can even think abt it..

Let me reassure u, my baby..

That i'm so much in love with you..

I know that u might not even feel threatened.

But i'm saying this just in case u are.. and just to reassure u..

No one in the world wants me except u.

Sorry.. I'm too old.. value oso not much already.

So just to tell u.. Baby.. I love you.

And now, for something thats totally irrelevant..

I dont hate turtles.. not even those flying ones..

Though I do hate them turtles that wear the metal hats and throws axes around..

I love dancing palm trees.. they make me happy..

I smile when I look at them.

I dance along at times..

But something really bothers me..

Smiling clouds.

I just find that smiling clouds are very, very condescending.

The Smartest Person In Singapore

ok.. before I talk about my Idol of Ultimate Smartness.. just a lil update of everything else..

Been a while since I whined.. seriously, ever since I met her in Nov 2006, I lost all interests in whining.. the world had been such a better place.. but since she had insisted that I keep on whining on my blog.. so I shall..

Was supposed to meet with our gynae, Dr Lee, tomorrow.. but since my roster was disrupted coz of the change of my previous flight, I had been placed on standby tmrw and had been called up for a flight till evening.. so we have to change the appointment for Tues.. just before my reservist meeting..

We always look forward for the appointments.. the only times for now that we get to see our little girl.. of course.. till Nov then we will be looking at her all the time till she's old enough to want to see her friends more than us..

That reminds me.. I'll be buying a shotgun in 13 years time to ward off any males that will attempt to ask her out at that age..

At times, when I look at those little boys running around.. I just wonder.. who among them will be my future son-in-law.. whoever u are, little boy.. remember.. I'll be watching you.. yes.. YOU..

Hari Raya is coming real close.. and this is gonna be our very first time celebrating as husband and wife..

Last year, my parents were in Melbourne, and therefore I spent the 2 weeks before Hari Raya in her parents' house, sleeping on the sofa.. since I was all alone in Tampines.. and we really enjoyed it.. coz it was a precursor to the wedding.. I was initially not at ease coz I wasnt used to it.. but told myself to overcome the paisehness coz they are gonna be my family soon enough.. and now, whatever paisehness that I have with them are all gone..

Next year.. we will be celebrating Hari Raya in our own little family.. the 3 of us.. and therefore, next year, we will DEFINITELY go around with our little girl for u guys to give her the due collection..

How this little girl had changed our lives.. even before she's born.. we had decided on what she's gonna wear for my sis-in-law's wedding even.. bought dresses and lots of other clothes, socks, shoes and everything else..

How things have changed within a short time span..

2 years back, we didnt even know each other..

And now we are married, with a baby on the way in slightly more than a month's time..

I got to know her in Oct 2006, we met in Nov, and i proposed to her on our 3rd date, 2 weeks later, my parents asked for her hand in marriage, and a week after, we got engaged, on 16th Dec 2006.. which is a month after our first date..

see.. I dont really have anything to whine about.. when I talk, I talk about my wife and my upcoming baby.. life is just wonderful.. I cant whine or bitch or have anything bad to talk about anymore..

well.. which brings me back to the topic.. about The Smartest Person In Singapore..

On Thurs, MR TAN KOK ENG wrote in The Straits Times forum:

'I read a Traffic Police reminder which stated that speeding is the No. 1 road killer in Singapore. If that is so, shouldn't the authorities get tough with such offenders instead of penalising them with just demerit points and a fine? Similarly, I wonder why the police treat drink driving more seriously than speeding. Drink-driving offenders who are caught, and are not involved in serious accidents, get their licences revoked, suffer a heavy fine and, if they are repeat offenders, jailed. If speeding is the No. 1 killer, the authorities should start getting tougher against speedsters. Conversely, drink-driving offenders who aren't involved in serious accidents should not be jailed, even if they are repeat offenders.'

Look at the last line..

Don't you just love this guy? We do need to get someone to standup for the small but closely knitted community of drunk drivers..

Since we are at that, why not we legalise guns and marijuana? That'll seem like a whole lot of fun..

Seriously.. where did this guy come from? Is there a different planet where it's populated by peabrains?

Why did The Straits Times even publish this in print? Just to show the world that Singapore is not only populated by smart and hardworking ppl, but we do have some sub-intelligent beings among us?

Melissa

Its 9.14am on 13th Sep 2008 in Moscow. My 3rd day here in the Russian Capital.

Was supposed to fly up to Houston, Texas this morning but due to the Hurricane Ike, which was rated to be "catastrophic", our flight to Houston was cancelled and we had to stay here in Moscow for 3 more days before flying to Dubai, then back to Singapore.

Sigh..

I was sooo looking forward for Houston for it will be my first time there. But thatz not meant to happen. Maybe it will one day. Hopefully soon enough it would..

Anyway.. here I am in my room, where I had been stuck in for almost the entire 3 days, with the exception of last night where I decided to join the 4 other Muslim crew on my flight for breaking of fast at the hotel restaurant..

and being this long in Moscow.. since I cant possibly spend my time learning how to speak Russian, I had no other choice but to blog.. though I know I wont be able to put it up till I get home.. so this is a reflection of my thoughts and reminiscence of the 80s and my past teenage life while being stuck in my room coz of the continuous rain in Russia..

Been listening to malay songs.. yep.. Malay songs.. me the Indian ska drummer, listening to mostly Malay "slow rock" songs the entire night.. but yeah.. I was a rocker decades ago..

They are mainly lovesongs from the 80s, when I was a teenager.. and the current song I'm listening to is Melissa, by Helter Skelter..

One of my favourite songs.. when I was 15.. extremely slow and mushy song, not recommended for most ppl..

And the reason why I like this song is..

I was 15 back then. One of the ugliest boys in my school.. and mind u.. my school didnt really have that many ugly boys.. I might be the only one..

and so.. having an elder brother who overshadowed me.. he didnt do it on purpose though.. coz he was one of the popular guys in school.. and I was the exact opposite.. and throughout my life since we were kids till EVEN NOW WHEN I AM 35 AND HE IS 36, he still protects me like as if I cant protect myself coz I had always been his younger brother..

I am not complaining though.. my parents and my brother had always been protective of me even at this age of mine.. and I do like it coz I know that they love me.. and on my part, I had always pride myself to be a responsible person.. as a son, brother, uncle, and now as a husband, and very-soon-to-be-father myself..

ok.. back to my story..

Being 15, with raging hormones and my lack-of-confidence and a total lack of good looks.. I had always been lonely..

Though parents are parents.. they are always there.. but they are still parents..
I needed friends.. I needed someone to think that I am, if not attractive, at least, to be interesting..

I can clearly remember an incident.. when I was 13.. and my mom had a stall in a primary school canteen in Telok Blangah selling nasi lemak.. she was a secretary to the President of the Singapore Women's Association, when my aunt, who was the cook of the family, asked for her help to get a canteen stall coz she knew that she cant get it herself, for reasons that I dont know.. I dont even think they have strict criteria to run a school stall.. so my mom ended up trading her pen and paper for pots and pans..

My brother was popular even in that school that my mom sell food in.. coz we normally will help out at the stall before we go to our own school which was like 15 mins away by bus.. and we'll do our homework there at the canteen itself.. imagine, having an afternoon session school that starts at abt 1pm but having to wake up at 5am every morning to go to the canteen.. my dad was a delivery driver for a hampers and gift company, so he gets to bring back the lorry home.. but we were happy doing so and gladly help out coz we knew that our mom had to work extremely hard and it was a blessing just to be able to assist her in our small ways..

We lived in a quarters of the Ministry of Social Affairs.. a single unit, not really so much being divided by 4 so I dunno why we still call it a quarter though.. my uncle (married to my maternal aunt) was a caretaker of that Ministry and therefore he had that "quarter" to live in so he can do the maintenance on that building.. and he had his own apartment house in Bedok.. so me, my brother, great grandma, mom and dad (stepdad, but as usual, I consider him Dad and call my real dad as Real Dad.. my Real Dad and mom had a divorce when I was abt 8, my mom remarried when I was abt 11 or so and my Real Dad died in 2003.. and I love ALL of them dearly..), stayed there..

and so.. we lived in that house coz we aint got nowhere else to live.. and we really lived in poverty.. my mom was running that canteen stall, and had to wake up that early every morning and as soon as she gets to the canteen and start preparing the food, she will take a bus to Pasir Panjang Wholesale Centre to buy the stuffs to cook.. and seriously.. she was carrying kilos of foodstuffs up and down the buses and sometimes falling asleep at the busstops.. just to raise 2 kids and to take care of her grandma..

my dad was not earning that much either.. and he has 2 kids of his own that he had to give child support to.. but when he married my mom, he promised us that he will get us out of that house.. the single unit quarters, in which we shared with 9 cats, loads of rats and thousands of cockroaches..

but in fact, that was the place where I harboured most of my childhood memories.. and I am sure my brother does too.. as poor as we were.. we wont go to sleep hungry coz my mom wont allow us to as she will go hungry at night to make sure we have food to eat...
my favourite dish was rice with Maggi chilli sauce and fried egg and I think Abang's fav food was rice with kicap and fried egg.. for snacks, I liked a fried egg with pepper..

We had eggs coz we had chickens.. so we would normally "steal" the eggs when the hen leaves the nest and run as fast as we can to avoid getting pecked for stealing her kids to fry..

We didnt have a radio, not even a transistor radio.. most of u kids wont even know what a transistor radio is anyway.. they are those small portable radios, 3/4 of the size of a paperback with long extendable antennas.. so, with no radio, let alone a TV set.. Abang and I entertained ourselves by telling stories to each other.. mainly by books that we read in the library.. or making up stories of our own.. especially to this character called Encyclopedia Brown.. abt a smart and extremely detailed boy who happened to always come across some weird offences and petty crimes.. itz like a little boy's version of Monk.. minus the paranoia.. they will present a whole lot of clues which u will have to piece together to get the whole incident recreated at the end.. and he ends up helping the police solve the case..

so we normally create our own versions of Encyclopedia Brown and set our own clues in and let the other person guess.. thatz how we used to entertain ourselves before we sleep..

I'll keep my childhood stories for another day if I decide to write another entry..

Anyway.. back to the incident when I was 13.. one day, as I was leaving the primary school where my mom was operating in.. with abang.. and my mom who was going to the wholesale centre.. there was a nurse of that primary school who was leaving the premises with us.. who looked at abang.. and commented to my mom.. "hey.. ur son is good looking.. "

My mom thanked her and just as not to make me feel out of place.. she asked.. thinking that the nurse would be kind enough to make as pleasant a remark for me.. "how's this son?"

The nurse was taken aback coz she didnt expect the question.. and didnt really had to look at me and said.. "errm.. this one is.. err.. ok uhh..."

yeah.. ok.. i'm ok uhh..

I dont really need the stupid remark from the nurse.. but my mom was just trying to protect my feelings.. which backfired coz the dumb nurse just dont know how to pretend to be nice and not hurt a kid..

Both abang and my mom dont recall the incident.. but of course.. I would.. coz the ok uhh kid was the one who got hurt that day.. but they made sure that I feel special every day.. abang will stinge and not eat lunch and spend as little as he can coz he will always save up to get my birthday presents.. and he got me really nice presents every year.. mak will hug us to sleep every night and she made sure that she will tell us how much she loves us every single night..

Thatz how it had always been... they protect me.. coz they see me as being the fragile one..

As it was.. I was extremely small.. had always been the shortest in class.. of course.. no surprise though coz I had lived for almost 36 years being short..

I wore a big pair of specs.. side parted my hair in a way that only nerds would do it.. and I seriously thought I look better that way than any other hairstyle that I could have.. and I walked with a hunch.. coz I will always look at my feet as I dont like to look at people..

I had always wanted my life to be different.. I really really hated my life back then.. not hating being alive coz I have a wonderful family.. but just wanted things to be different for me..

Of course I had my own crushes.. all boys do.. and most of the time, they are not real crushes.. they are just girls who I wish I will be able to like when she likes me.. but no girl would even take a look at my shadow, let alone my self.. so I didnt really get to like any girls..

When I was 13, we moved to a rented house in Ghim Moh.. and behind my block, there was this family with 4 sisters.. 2 really BIG girls who were in their late teens or early 20s back then and 2 younger girls.. one was 12 and the other 13..

I liked the 12 yr old (I was 13 back then so it was OK to like a 12 year old) and my brother relented to like the 13 yr old coz I like the 12 yr old so he wont like the same girl so I could like her though I denied that I ever liked the 12 yr old.. in fact, I didnt really like her.. I just needed someone to like so she was the closest target coz she lives right behind my block, two floors down from us, and were always outside their house, almost facing ours coz they wanted to giggle and wave at my brother.. and so.. I naturally, being 13, needed to like a girl, and the most convenient girl to like was her..

But both sisters liked my brother..

The girls at the school canteen where my mom was operating in liked my brother and my elder cousin who's a year older than me.. who unfortunately died in a motorcycle accident several years later when he was 17..

The girls at the place where we mengaji.. or had our Quran lessons, liked my brother.. and I didnt like it when he asked me to accompany him to meet the girls coz I know that they only want to see him and I would be either left alone observing stains on the concrete table under the block or I end up saying something stupid like how any other nerdy-boys-who-tries-hard-to-say-something-cool would say..

So I became the grumpy one.. coz I knew that they didnt acknowledge my existence anyway.. and with me being a grumpy person, they wont talk to me and therefore if they dont have a second look at me, they wont bother to make observations or even to have any opinions abt me..
But still, opinions they did have.. they called my brother Manis coz of his dimples.. and called me Masam coz they said I never smiled..

I didnt really care.. I stick to my own thoughts and sought refuge in my drawings.. in which I think I was quite good at in those days.. little kids ard my house would come down to my place to ask me to draw.. and some of my schoolmates will ask me to do some paintings for their girlfriends where they will pass off as their own..

And I loved the drums.. but coz I couldnt get lessons coz I was poor and no one would teach a nerd.. I silently observed drummers in my school and when we finally got a radio.. I was listening to music and concentrating on the drums and tried to figure out the sounds and where they came from and how to play them.. thatz how I got hooked into drumming..

Anyway, being in the 80s, the trend those days were malay "slow rock" songs.. from bands like Search, Lefthanded, Wings, Bumiputera Rockers, May, Junction, Bloodshed, Ella and the Boys.. and I could go on and on and on with the names of those bands..

Malay, Chinese and Indian rocker boys will listen to those malay "slow rock" songs.. which are actually mushy songs and the trend for those bands were to have extremely high pitched male voice.. even some of my chinese colleagues now whoz abt my age can sing some songs from them, like Isabella and Sejati..

Those who listened to those bands will also listen to english rock bands like Deep Purple, DIO, Iron Maiden, King Diamond, Rainbow, and so on.. and we'll be wearing to school a pair of hi-cut Double Happiness shoes with a Thai branded bag called Grand Sport, and wear our pants low and pretend to have "steamer" eyes to act like as if we are high though we weren't.. with big combs that we'll file in our technical classes to make it look like a knife and normally with a red or black bandana-like handkerchief, though some other "rock" designs were accepted too.. and most of the stuffs can be bought from Queensway Shopping Centre.. and with a "ding-dong" Hillary Ang's hairstyle.. with bangs.. which we called Bunga..

Off-school uniform trends those days were sort-of male skinny jeans now.. but with weird colors like luminous red or green and "cowboy" shirts.. which we called "baju western"..

I did all that with a nerdy pair of specs and nerdy hair.. no ding dongs and no bunga for me.. I couldnt carry that style cool enough like the rest of the boys so I didnt attempt it..

The other kinda kids were those who listen to A-ha, Wham!, Madonna, Rick Astley and those pop-punk bands like how Hugh Grant was in Music And Lyrics.. and those kids will wear their pants with pleats, wet-look gelled up hair, and long skinny combs..

We normally would bully those "punk" boys coz they were sissies.. though one of my classmates now who was one of THE MOST prominent "sissy" punk boys now has 2 kids..

Some bands from Malaysia came up with the Battle of the Bands album which featured some bands which became popular, and some Singaporean bands got together and came up with Clash Of The Bands..

Helter Skelter was one of those bands that was in Clash Of The Bands..

so.. back to my "i was 15 back then" story..

Helter Skelter singing Melissa.. they were not among my favourite band.. just so so.. especially coz they had a rip-off song from No More Tears.. and they called it "Tiada Lagi Airmata" and denied that they ripped off the song even though the guitar riffs and the drum styles were EXACTLY the same.. but Melissa had an impact on me.. coz the song is about how this guy loves his girlfriend Melissa.. and he sang it to her at the beach.. and how happy they were..

I imagined that I was at that beach and I had a Melissa of my own that I could be happy with and love and sing a song to..

but I didnt..

That's the story of my teenage life.. I didnt like it and still, till now, that was one of the worst phase of my life.. I tried so hard to blend in.. to be acknowledged by someone.. of course I had friends.. and they were good friends, I must say.. but no girls that I would take a liking to would even take a second look at me..

I was easily the loneliest teenager of the 80s..

The closest I had was when I had a good friend on the phone.. her name was Hayati and she was a year younger than me, in the same school.. somehow, I had her number coz I needed to pass a message to her or something like that.. I cant recall.. as it was 21 years ago.. but we started talking on the fone.. and we talked the next day.. and the next day..

And she told me that she enjoyed talking to me on the fone.. but she asked me not to acknowledge her in school as she dont want to be seen to be talking to me coz it will somehow ruin her reputation..

That was how I was.. I could easily jinx out any girl's reputation just by talking to her coz no girls want to be seen to be talking to the ugliest boy in school..

So with that insult, I decided not to call her anymore..

The same year.. in 1987, I got to know this girl.. thru the phone..

Those days, pre-Internet's IRC/MSN/ICQ/Skype, to get to know a girl, if u are not daring enough to ask for her home number when u see her at the bus stop or in the bus, u call her at her home number through a system among the boys that we used to pass around girls' numbers.. so the right thing to do was when u get a girl's number, u gather ur courage and call her.. and if u get her mom picking up the phone, u should quickly hang up and try again 10 mins later.. and if u hear a young girl's voice who picked it up, u say.. "ermz.. boleh kenal kenal?"

The teenage girls will be the one who normally pick up the phone coz they know the chances of that happening are there and they WANT to receive the "boleh kenal kenal" calls.. even the ugly girls get called coz the numbers are just being passed around.. and the ugly boys like me will do the calling too.. everyone does.. and we, the proper gentlemen, pass around the numbers among friends, and the screwed up jerks will write the girls' numbers at the last seat of the buses.. and that one is totally not cool.. totally..

so.. I got to know this girl who's a year younger, Sukinah, through the phone..

Even by the standards of those days, that name is still kampung btw.. but who cares about kampung names if they are nice ppl right?

So this girl was like my first "like-friend" though we had never met.. we talked on the phone every day and she was schooling in Bukit Batok, while I was schooling in New Town.. both in the westside, but those pre-MRT days, a bus ride will take more than an hour to get from one place in the west to the other..

Btw.. when the MRT started in 1987, it plied only through 4 stations, from Yuo Chu Kang to Braddell, Bishan and Ang Mo Kio.. so no MRT for us in the west till months later.. at the end of the year..

So.. I didnt get to meet Sukinah, so we just chatted on phone.. though I saw her pic through a mutual friend of mine, Murni, who was her classmate and my mengaji-mate.. and she was quite pretty.. and I liked her.. though I was silently confident that she wont like me..

One day, she came down to my school for a netball match to represent her school.. and we were excited to meet that day coz it was our first chance to meet..

I saw her from far when she was playing and when the appointed time came for us to meet at the end of the game, she was nowhere to be seen..

A few days later, Murni told me what happened.. Sukinah saw me from a distance.. and she told her friends that she will NEVER go up to meet me coz I was so ugly and I became the butt of their rude jokes coz I was the ugly nerd from New Town who wanted to date the popular chic of Bt Batok..

And so, I decided to stay away from all girls.. and for a period of time, to even my female classmates.. I became a small-sized rebel in school and I hated everything and everyone.. except my family.. which was like the opposite of everyone else who tries to be cool to everyone else and hate their family..

And I really, genuinely, truthfully, disliked girls..

Till one day, one of my classmates, Hawa, passed me a number and asked me to call her friend and said that this girl is a nice girl who just wanted to make friends.. I refused initially, but Hawa insisted almost every single day for reasons I dunno why..

So I called this girl.. Siti Sohrah.. a girl my age from Mei Chin Sec.. which was abt 5 mins away from my school by bus.. and so we talked.. and talked..

And we met for the first time abt a month later when we both wanted to go to the library.. and so we planned to meet...

and we met..

and for the first time in my life.. someone was nice to me.. a girl..

and we became friends.. true friends.. and we hung out together, and met up often.. and she became my first best friend..

and surprisingly, we didnt "like/have-a-crush" on each other, but we became real best friends.. and she was the first person to ever say anything nice to me.. and helped me to groom myself better..

we became such good friends that after she got engaged, and her fiance had to leave for Brunei jungle training, he came personally to my house and asked me to help keep a lookout for his girl..
We remained friends till after they got married and they had a kid and we lost contact soon after.. for reasons I cant recall..

But we had a purely genuine platonic friendship.. and didnt cross our mind to go further than being best friends coz it was good the way it was.. we supported each other through our individual teenage heartbreaks.. though mine was more than hers coz any girls that I talked to will turn to stone.. or lose their capabilities to be nice..

I dunno what happened to Siti and her husband Jamal though.. it had been abt 17 years since we last met..

And as for me.. I grew up..

I managed to break out of my low-confidence nerdy self, ditched the nerdy specs for an Armani and became an over-confident, former metrosexual Flight Attendant. and I met my Melissa for the first time in Nov 2006, got engaged to her in Dec 2006, got married to her in Jan 2008 and we will be getting our first baby in Nov 2008, insya Allah.

My Melissa was born 3 years after the song.. in May 1990.. by the name of Nur Zahirah.

She genuinely liked me, became my confidante, my partner and my better half and had never said anything to hurt me or tell me that I wasnt good enough.

My Melissa is the most sincere and honest and truthful person I had ever met..

I didnt jinx her and she had never stopped being nice since the day I met her..
and my Melissa loves me unconditionally..

And now I can sing my songs to her..