Melissa

Its 9.14am on 13th Sep 2008 in Moscow. My 3rd day here in the Russian Capital.

Was supposed to fly up to Houston, Texas this morning but due to the Hurricane Ike, which was rated to be "catastrophic", our flight to Houston was cancelled and we had to stay here in Moscow for 3 more days before flying to Dubai, then back to Singapore.

Sigh..

I was sooo looking forward for Houston for it will be my first time there. But thatz not meant to happen. Maybe it will one day. Hopefully soon enough it would..

Anyway.. here I am in my room, where I had been stuck in for almost the entire 3 days, with the exception of last night where I decided to join the 4 other Muslim crew on my flight for breaking of fast at the hotel restaurant..

and being this long in Moscow.. since I cant possibly spend my time learning how to speak Russian, I had no other choice but to blog.. though I know I wont be able to put it up till I get home.. so this is a reflection of my thoughts and reminiscence of the 80s and my past teenage life while being stuck in my room coz of the continuous rain in Russia..

Been listening to malay songs.. yep.. Malay songs.. me the Indian ska drummer, listening to mostly Malay "slow rock" songs the entire night.. but yeah.. I was a rocker decades ago..

They are mainly lovesongs from the 80s, when I was a teenager.. and the current song I'm listening to is Melissa, by Helter Skelter..

One of my favourite songs.. when I was 15.. extremely slow and mushy song, not recommended for most ppl..

And the reason why I like this song is..

I was 15 back then. One of the ugliest boys in my school.. and mind u.. my school didnt really have that many ugly boys.. I might be the only one..

and so.. having an elder brother who overshadowed me.. he didnt do it on purpose though.. coz he was one of the popular guys in school.. and I was the exact opposite.. and throughout my life since we were kids till EVEN NOW WHEN I AM 35 AND HE IS 36, he still protects me like as if I cant protect myself coz I had always been his younger brother..

I am not complaining though.. my parents and my brother had always been protective of me even at this age of mine.. and I do like it coz I know that they love me.. and on my part, I had always pride myself to be a responsible person.. as a son, brother, uncle, and now as a husband, and very-soon-to-be-father myself..

ok.. back to my story..

Being 15, with raging hormones and my lack-of-confidence and a total lack of good looks.. I had always been lonely..

Though parents are parents.. they are always there.. but they are still parents..
I needed friends.. I needed someone to think that I am, if not attractive, at least, to be interesting..

I can clearly remember an incident.. when I was 13.. and my mom had a stall in a primary school canteen in Telok Blangah selling nasi lemak.. she was a secretary to the President of the Singapore Women's Association, when my aunt, who was the cook of the family, asked for her help to get a canteen stall coz she knew that she cant get it herself, for reasons that I dont know.. I dont even think they have strict criteria to run a school stall.. so my mom ended up trading her pen and paper for pots and pans..

My brother was popular even in that school that my mom sell food in.. coz we normally will help out at the stall before we go to our own school which was like 15 mins away by bus.. and we'll do our homework there at the canteen itself.. imagine, having an afternoon session school that starts at abt 1pm but having to wake up at 5am every morning to go to the canteen.. my dad was a delivery driver for a hampers and gift company, so he gets to bring back the lorry home.. but we were happy doing so and gladly help out coz we knew that our mom had to work extremely hard and it was a blessing just to be able to assist her in our small ways..

We lived in a quarters of the Ministry of Social Affairs.. a single unit, not really so much being divided by 4 so I dunno why we still call it a quarter though.. my uncle (married to my maternal aunt) was a caretaker of that Ministry and therefore he had that "quarter" to live in so he can do the maintenance on that building.. and he had his own apartment house in Bedok.. so me, my brother, great grandma, mom and dad (stepdad, but as usual, I consider him Dad and call my real dad as Real Dad.. my Real Dad and mom had a divorce when I was abt 8, my mom remarried when I was abt 11 or so and my Real Dad died in 2003.. and I love ALL of them dearly..), stayed there..

and so.. we lived in that house coz we aint got nowhere else to live.. and we really lived in poverty.. my mom was running that canteen stall, and had to wake up that early every morning and as soon as she gets to the canteen and start preparing the food, she will take a bus to Pasir Panjang Wholesale Centre to buy the stuffs to cook.. and seriously.. she was carrying kilos of foodstuffs up and down the buses and sometimes falling asleep at the busstops.. just to raise 2 kids and to take care of her grandma..

my dad was not earning that much either.. and he has 2 kids of his own that he had to give child support to.. but when he married my mom, he promised us that he will get us out of that house.. the single unit quarters, in which we shared with 9 cats, loads of rats and thousands of cockroaches..

but in fact, that was the place where I harboured most of my childhood memories.. and I am sure my brother does too.. as poor as we were.. we wont go to sleep hungry coz my mom wont allow us to as she will go hungry at night to make sure we have food to eat...
my favourite dish was rice with Maggi chilli sauce and fried egg and I think Abang's fav food was rice with kicap and fried egg.. for snacks, I liked a fried egg with pepper..

We had eggs coz we had chickens.. so we would normally "steal" the eggs when the hen leaves the nest and run as fast as we can to avoid getting pecked for stealing her kids to fry..

We didnt have a radio, not even a transistor radio.. most of u kids wont even know what a transistor radio is anyway.. they are those small portable radios, 3/4 of the size of a paperback with long extendable antennas.. so, with no radio, let alone a TV set.. Abang and I entertained ourselves by telling stories to each other.. mainly by books that we read in the library.. or making up stories of our own.. especially to this character called Encyclopedia Brown.. abt a smart and extremely detailed boy who happened to always come across some weird offences and petty crimes.. itz like a little boy's version of Monk.. minus the paranoia.. they will present a whole lot of clues which u will have to piece together to get the whole incident recreated at the end.. and he ends up helping the police solve the case..

so we normally create our own versions of Encyclopedia Brown and set our own clues in and let the other person guess.. thatz how we used to entertain ourselves before we sleep..

I'll keep my childhood stories for another day if I decide to write another entry..

Anyway.. back to the incident when I was 13.. one day, as I was leaving the primary school where my mom was operating in.. with abang.. and my mom who was going to the wholesale centre.. there was a nurse of that primary school who was leaving the premises with us.. who looked at abang.. and commented to my mom.. "hey.. ur son is good looking.. "

My mom thanked her and just as not to make me feel out of place.. she asked.. thinking that the nurse would be kind enough to make as pleasant a remark for me.. "how's this son?"

The nurse was taken aback coz she didnt expect the question.. and didnt really had to look at me and said.. "errm.. this one is.. err.. ok uhh..."

yeah.. ok.. i'm ok uhh..

I dont really need the stupid remark from the nurse.. but my mom was just trying to protect my feelings.. which backfired coz the dumb nurse just dont know how to pretend to be nice and not hurt a kid..

Both abang and my mom dont recall the incident.. but of course.. I would.. coz the ok uhh kid was the one who got hurt that day.. but they made sure that I feel special every day.. abang will stinge and not eat lunch and spend as little as he can coz he will always save up to get my birthday presents.. and he got me really nice presents every year.. mak will hug us to sleep every night and she made sure that she will tell us how much she loves us every single night..

Thatz how it had always been... they protect me.. coz they see me as being the fragile one..

As it was.. I was extremely small.. had always been the shortest in class.. of course.. no surprise though coz I had lived for almost 36 years being short..

I wore a big pair of specs.. side parted my hair in a way that only nerds would do it.. and I seriously thought I look better that way than any other hairstyle that I could have.. and I walked with a hunch.. coz I will always look at my feet as I dont like to look at people..

I had always wanted my life to be different.. I really really hated my life back then.. not hating being alive coz I have a wonderful family.. but just wanted things to be different for me..

Of course I had my own crushes.. all boys do.. and most of the time, they are not real crushes.. they are just girls who I wish I will be able to like when she likes me.. but no girl would even take a look at my shadow, let alone my self.. so I didnt really get to like any girls..

When I was 13, we moved to a rented house in Ghim Moh.. and behind my block, there was this family with 4 sisters.. 2 really BIG girls who were in their late teens or early 20s back then and 2 younger girls.. one was 12 and the other 13..

I liked the 12 yr old (I was 13 back then so it was OK to like a 12 year old) and my brother relented to like the 13 yr old coz I like the 12 yr old so he wont like the same girl so I could like her though I denied that I ever liked the 12 yr old.. in fact, I didnt really like her.. I just needed someone to like so she was the closest target coz she lives right behind my block, two floors down from us, and were always outside their house, almost facing ours coz they wanted to giggle and wave at my brother.. and so.. I naturally, being 13, needed to like a girl, and the most convenient girl to like was her..

But both sisters liked my brother..

The girls at the school canteen where my mom was operating in liked my brother and my elder cousin who's a year older than me.. who unfortunately died in a motorcycle accident several years later when he was 17..

The girls at the place where we mengaji.. or had our Quran lessons, liked my brother.. and I didnt like it when he asked me to accompany him to meet the girls coz I know that they only want to see him and I would be either left alone observing stains on the concrete table under the block or I end up saying something stupid like how any other nerdy-boys-who-tries-hard-to-say-something-cool would say..

So I became the grumpy one.. coz I knew that they didnt acknowledge my existence anyway.. and with me being a grumpy person, they wont talk to me and therefore if they dont have a second look at me, they wont bother to make observations or even to have any opinions abt me..
But still, opinions they did have.. they called my brother Manis coz of his dimples.. and called me Masam coz they said I never smiled..

I didnt really care.. I stick to my own thoughts and sought refuge in my drawings.. in which I think I was quite good at in those days.. little kids ard my house would come down to my place to ask me to draw.. and some of my schoolmates will ask me to do some paintings for their girlfriends where they will pass off as their own..

And I loved the drums.. but coz I couldnt get lessons coz I was poor and no one would teach a nerd.. I silently observed drummers in my school and when we finally got a radio.. I was listening to music and concentrating on the drums and tried to figure out the sounds and where they came from and how to play them.. thatz how I got hooked into drumming..

Anyway, being in the 80s, the trend those days were malay "slow rock" songs.. from bands like Search, Lefthanded, Wings, Bumiputera Rockers, May, Junction, Bloodshed, Ella and the Boys.. and I could go on and on and on with the names of those bands..

Malay, Chinese and Indian rocker boys will listen to those malay "slow rock" songs.. which are actually mushy songs and the trend for those bands were to have extremely high pitched male voice.. even some of my chinese colleagues now whoz abt my age can sing some songs from them, like Isabella and Sejati..

Those who listened to those bands will also listen to english rock bands like Deep Purple, DIO, Iron Maiden, King Diamond, Rainbow, and so on.. and we'll be wearing to school a pair of hi-cut Double Happiness shoes with a Thai branded bag called Grand Sport, and wear our pants low and pretend to have "steamer" eyes to act like as if we are high though we weren't.. with big combs that we'll file in our technical classes to make it look like a knife and normally with a red or black bandana-like handkerchief, though some other "rock" designs were accepted too.. and most of the stuffs can be bought from Queensway Shopping Centre.. and with a "ding-dong" Hillary Ang's hairstyle.. with bangs.. which we called Bunga..

Off-school uniform trends those days were sort-of male skinny jeans now.. but with weird colors like luminous red or green and "cowboy" shirts.. which we called "baju western"..

I did all that with a nerdy pair of specs and nerdy hair.. no ding dongs and no bunga for me.. I couldnt carry that style cool enough like the rest of the boys so I didnt attempt it..

The other kinda kids were those who listen to A-ha, Wham!, Madonna, Rick Astley and those pop-punk bands like how Hugh Grant was in Music And Lyrics.. and those kids will wear their pants with pleats, wet-look gelled up hair, and long skinny combs..

We normally would bully those "punk" boys coz they were sissies.. though one of my classmates now who was one of THE MOST prominent "sissy" punk boys now has 2 kids..

Some bands from Malaysia came up with the Battle of the Bands album which featured some bands which became popular, and some Singaporean bands got together and came up with Clash Of The Bands..

Helter Skelter was one of those bands that was in Clash Of The Bands..

so.. back to my "i was 15 back then" story..

Helter Skelter singing Melissa.. they were not among my favourite band.. just so so.. especially coz they had a rip-off song from No More Tears.. and they called it "Tiada Lagi Airmata" and denied that they ripped off the song even though the guitar riffs and the drum styles were EXACTLY the same.. but Melissa had an impact on me.. coz the song is about how this guy loves his girlfriend Melissa.. and he sang it to her at the beach.. and how happy they were..

I imagined that I was at that beach and I had a Melissa of my own that I could be happy with and love and sing a song to..

but I didnt..

That's the story of my teenage life.. I didnt like it and still, till now, that was one of the worst phase of my life.. I tried so hard to blend in.. to be acknowledged by someone.. of course I had friends.. and they were good friends, I must say.. but no girls that I would take a liking to would even take a second look at me..

I was easily the loneliest teenager of the 80s..

The closest I had was when I had a good friend on the phone.. her name was Hayati and she was a year younger than me, in the same school.. somehow, I had her number coz I needed to pass a message to her or something like that.. I cant recall.. as it was 21 years ago.. but we started talking on the fone.. and we talked the next day.. and the next day..

And she told me that she enjoyed talking to me on the fone.. but she asked me not to acknowledge her in school as she dont want to be seen to be talking to me coz it will somehow ruin her reputation..

That was how I was.. I could easily jinx out any girl's reputation just by talking to her coz no girls want to be seen to be talking to the ugliest boy in school..

So with that insult, I decided not to call her anymore..

The same year.. in 1987, I got to know this girl.. thru the phone..

Those days, pre-Internet's IRC/MSN/ICQ/Skype, to get to know a girl, if u are not daring enough to ask for her home number when u see her at the bus stop or in the bus, u call her at her home number through a system among the boys that we used to pass around girls' numbers.. so the right thing to do was when u get a girl's number, u gather ur courage and call her.. and if u get her mom picking up the phone, u should quickly hang up and try again 10 mins later.. and if u hear a young girl's voice who picked it up, u say.. "ermz.. boleh kenal kenal?"

The teenage girls will be the one who normally pick up the phone coz they know the chances of that happening are there and they WANT to receive the "boleh kenal kenal" calls.. even the ugly girls get called coz the numbers are just being passed around.. and the ugly boys like me will do the calling too.. everyone does.. and we, the proper gentlemen, pass around the numbers among friends, and the screwed up jerks will write the girls' numbers at the last seat of the buses.. and that one is totally not cool.. totally..

so.. I got to know this girl who's a year younger, Sukinah, through the phone..

Even by the standards of those days, that name is still kampung btw.. but who cares about kampung names if they are nice ppl right?

So this girl was like my first "like-friend" though we had never met.. we talked on the phone every day and she was schooling in Bukit Batok, while I was schooling in New Town.. both in the westside, but those pre-MRT days, a bus ride will take more than an hour to get from one place in the west to the other..

Btw.. when the MRT started in 1987, it plied only through 4 stations, from Yuo Chu Kang to Braddell, Bishan and Ang Mo Kio.. so no MRT for us in the west till months later.. at the end of the year..

So.. I didnt get to meet Sukinah, so we just chatted on phone.. though I saw her pic through a mutual friend of mine, Murni, who was her classmate and my mengaji-mate.. and she was quite pretty.. and I liked her.. though I was silently confident that she wont like me..

One day, she came down to my school for a netball match to represent her school.. and we were excited to meet that day coz it was our first chance to meet..

I saw her from far when she was playing and when the appointed time came for us to meet at the end of the game, she was nowhere to be seen..

A few days later, Murni told me what happened.. Sukinah saw me from a distance.. and she told her friends that she will NEVER go up to meet me coz I was so ugly and I became the butt of their rude jokes coz I was the ugly nerd from New Town who wanted to date the popular chic of Bt Batok..

And so, I decided to stay away from all girls.. and for a period of time, to even my female classmates.. I became a small-sized rebel in school and I hated everything and everyone.. except my family.. which was like the opposite of everyone else who tries to be cool to everyone else and hate their family..

And I really, genuinely, truthfully, disliked girls..

Till one day, one of my classmates, Hawa, passed me a number and asked me to call her friend and said that this girl is a nice girl who just wanted to make friends.. I refused initially, but Hawa insisted almost every single day for reasons I dunno why..

So I called this girl.. Siti Sohrah.. a girl my age from Mei Chin Sec.. which was abt 5 mins away from my school by bus.. and so we talked.. and talked..

And we met for the first time abt a month later when we both wanted to go to the library.. and so we planned to meet...

and we met..

and for the first time in my life.. someone was nice to me.. a girl..

and we became friends.. true friends.. and we hung out together, and met up often.. and she became my first best friend..

and surprisingly, we didnt "like/have-a-crush" on each other, but we became real best friends.. and she was the first person to ever say anything nice to me.. and helped me to groom myself better..

we became such good friends that after she got engaged, and her fiance had to leave for Brunei jungle training, he came personally to my house and asked me to help keep a lookout for his girl..
We remained friends till after they got married and they had a kid and we lost contact soon after.. for reasons I cant recall..

But we had a purely genuine platonic friendship.. and didnt cross our mind to go further than being best friends coz it was good the way it was.. we supported each other through our individual teenage heartbreaks.. though mine was more than hers coz any girls that I talked to will turn to stone.. or lose their capabilities to be nice..

I dunno what happened to Siti and her husband Jamal though.. it had been abt 17 years since we last met..

And as for me.. I grew up..

I managed to break out of my low-confidence nerdy self, ditched the nerdy specs for an Armani and became an over-confident, former metrosexual Flight Attendant. and I met my Melissa for the first time in Nov 2006, got engaged to her in Dec 2006, got married to her in Jan 2008 and we will be getting our first baby in Nov 2008, insya Allah.

My Melissa was born 3 years after the song.. in May 1990.. by the name of Nur Zahirah.

She genuinely liked me, became my confidante, my partner and my better half and had never said anything to hurt me or tell me that I wasnt good enough.

My Melissa is the most sincere and honest and truthful person I had ever met..

I didnt jinx her and she had never stopped being nice since the day I met her..
and my Melissa loves me unconditionally..

And now I can sing my songs to her..