End of my emotional turmoil

I was thinking of starting this post with some emo stuffs.. after ages of not updating it.. but hell.. i guess i shouldn't..

Lemme just recap what had happened recently and for the past months..

From the most recent..

Just got back from a 9 days flight to Dubai and Cairo yesterday.. was a nice flight altogether.. finally.. after a long while, i got excited for a flight.. coz i had always wanted to go to the pyramids.. though i had been to cairo several times before.. never had the time to do it.. till now..

So i went over to the pyramids with my teamgirl Jezz, and two guest star crew, Jann and Vincent.. we rode on two camels, me and Vince on one, double Js on the other.. gosh.. Camels have bad breath.. and the one that the girls rode on makes so much noise.. a lot of complains.. and seems to be whining all the time.. must be a female..

we booked the tour thru Omar.. a local egyptian fella whoz father had been running the tour for the cabin crew for ages.. so off we went to the pyramids.. which, on the way, we stopped over at the papyrus museum, and i got 2 papyrus of some Quranic surahs..

the sight of the Pyramids was realllllly breathtaking.. just that the guide took us for just a lil bit of this and that.. so it wasnt really that fantastic.. he brought us to touch Khafre's pyramid.. and showed us from far the other 2.. so i got down from the camel, and went over to Khafre's and paid 20 egyptian pounds and went in..

one have to stoop down in order to climb down into the pyramids.. i managed to get into the king's chamber.. but the queen's chamber was closed with grills.. so i manage to just peep thru it.. and true as what they said.. therez nothing in the pyramids.. just alleyways and an empty sarcophagus which used to hold the body of the king, i think..

i walked over to khofu's pyramid too (one of the 7 wonders) but couldnt get in coz the ticket counter was closed temporarily.. and there was a long queue and my friends (none of them followed me there) was waiting... but at least i got to touch the stones of that pyramid..

after that, we went over to a newly excavated tomb.. saw another empty sarcophagus.. and beautiful ancient hieroglyphs on the wall.. and went over to the sphinx.. didnt get near it.. just took pics with it from far..

so the next time, i'll be sure i'm gonna go into the temple of the sphinx..

after the pyramids.. i went to the mall nearby, acardia, with jezz and vincent, and had coffee and sheesha.. got back at the hotel at 6, and washed up and went for dinner and watching bellydancing performance at a river cruise along the Nile River..

the next day, went out in the morning to Cairo Museum (with my teamgirl Parul, and 2 guest stars, Brenda and Jann) .. another interesting day.. saw a lot of artifacts from the Old and New and Ptolemic eras.. went into the room which contained the treasures from the tomb of Tutankhamen.. and saw mummies from the royal family in the 19th Dynasty, including RAMESSES THE SECOND!

goodness.. i cant believe it that i was looking at the corpse of the great king and staring at his face, merely a feet away.. 4000 yrz old..

after the museum, went up with my team LSS Rina and the FO Shahril to the bazaar.. was looking for some hookah... but none of it came with the casing that i wanted.. so i didnt get any.. Parul managed to get one for US$13.. it was a nice one..

oh yeah.. i almost forgot.. the first day, we managed to have a small celebration for parul's birthday at the hotel restaurant.. managed to get a cake and a card, and most of the crew (minus 1) and the tech crew came down.. so at least i think she'll start appreciating us from now..

so the next day.. we went back to the scorching hot Dubai.. i had made plans to meet up with Norli there.. she's flying for emirates now.. and the last time we met was when she was 6 and i was 13.. gosh.. 20 yrz back.. and she looks exactly the same as how she was before.. same face.. just 20 yrz older.. and she grew up to be a very pretty girl..

we went for dinner and sheesha till abt 3 am, and stayed up chatting and catching up on old times, and news abt families till abt 11am the next day..

slept like a pig after that.. woke up at 7 and went to karamah with Rina to get some hookah... called Alwi to get his opinion and Zainah mentioned that she wants one too.. so got one for myself and one for her then..

and here i am.. back home in singapore..

and now to the emo stuffs..

i received some messages from her saying that she missed me and she asked me on how to mend a broken heart.. hmm..

i'm so so sorry that i had to break ur heart.. but thatz just the way things are going.. we both knew that we wont last forever.. and as much as i wanted to hold on to us, i know i cant..

i still love you.

but holding on to impossible relationships.. hmm.. i'm sorry.. i just cant do that..

go on with ur life. i'm know for a fact that u will make it good. i hope to read good things abt u in the papers some day.

btw.. i found out just now that u are with shah now. and it really surprised me. firstly coz he is engaged. and i was like thinking.. wtf?

and he had harboured thoughts abt u even when i was dating u?

but then again, who am i to comment on such things now. i just wish the best for u.. and whoever u end up being with.

but just stop giving me messages like that to make me go thru a guilt trip when i actually left u while i still love you. coz it hurts me when i leave, and though i have to admit that it hurt me when i found out abt u and shah, i just hope that ur life will turn out to be happier.. and if shah is there to help u thru it, i'm grateful to him for making it easier for u.

thatz the end of the emo stuffs.

Till Death Do Us Part

If i had lost my faith along the way, I should have regained it recently. Just like deja'vu on the occasion of my dad's death, my cousin suffered the same fate.

My dad died within 11 days of diagnosis till death. And my cousin had 6 days between it. Exactly 2 weeks ago.

The sadness in her eyes when she was first diagnosed with cancer. She looked at me and asked me something that she already knew.

What's the cure for cancer?

How do u answer a question like that for someone who knew but hard to resign to the fact that their life is ending.

I dont know what killed her in the end.

Cancer was the cause. But what was the final reason? Cardiac arrest when she got too weak? Emotional breakdown knowing that therez no chance to live? Was it the morphine that made her weak? Or the fact that she have no reason to live when everyone around her was expecting her to die?

We loved her tremendously. One of the most likeable ppl in my family with her almost always humourous view of life. And I personally miss her greatly.

The promises that we made to her before she dies. Hard to keep, but we will keep it no matter what.

I dont think you could hear what i'm saying right now, but i will say it anyway.

I love you, my dear cousin. And for this time round, i made sure that u knew.

One Sweet Day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

CHORUS:
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
[Eventually we'll sing in heaven]

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
And I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

CHORUS

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray
CHORUS

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

played this song over and over again..

you dont know what u've got, till itz gone. how true are those words. the first time i listened to this song after a long while, it brought some tears to my eyes. now now.. i'm not a man who openly show my emotions. not that i know of. and almost everyone who had spent some time with me would say that. i'm sorry. i'm just me.

dad... wherever u are.. please know that i love you. as i had told u before, i took for granted, thinking that u will always be there. never did i realise that u were growing old. and when He took you away, it was a great loss that i felt. Loss, for not having you in my life for the past so many years.

I love you, dad.

I'm getting much older myself. Much much older, from the time that i used to spend time with you. I know how much you loved us, even though itz not in you to say it. I think i had gotten used to that.

I became that man myself.

In the beginning, there was Light

Is it weird to have a partner and still feel lonely?

hmm.. I had never been someone who can open up with my true feelings. Why? I have had the habit of telling my partners what they wanna hear. Maybe its just a guy thing.

The differences between a man and a woman. Women wanna hear nice things. Sweet things. And if we say something that's abt how we really feel, they'll feel hurt. Not that i had never hurt anyone before.. i know i did.. but..Do i love her? yes i do.. that, for a fact, i know. Do i see myself with her? i wish.. but things are too complicated for me to even dream of that. it seems like i had prepared myself for a loss once she's gone. and she might be gone coz i take the leave instead.

would i miss her?

how do i feel? what do i want?

i want a girl who's independent. and who will do things on her own. and i do things on my own. we have our own needs, and responsibilities that we have to perform on our own. and on top of that, we spend some nice quality time with each other.i hate racing up and down the highway every single day and not being able to do a lot of things which i know i must do. and normally, i'm too exhausted to do things that i must. but i know how much it means to her. and we dont get to spend much time. abt 2 hours on days that i am not working and when itz safe for her to meet. is it too much for her to ask for that from me? i guess not. itz a sacrifice that i need to make for her. i do love her.

what must i do now?

procrastination is evil.

i can do all that when i am outstation. i think i can. but without inspiration, nothing can be done. but what inspires?when i am outstation, i tell myself that i need to do somethings when i am back in singapore. when i'm driving, i think abt doing it when i am not. and when i am not, i do a lot of other things coz i'm too tired to think.

or am i just procrastinating?

i need to write programs. a lot of them. in which i have no time to even sit down and design it. i had been itching to write all these words for a long time now. but till now, i had never found the time to comprehend how i feel. i know i'm good in this. but i need to find a lot of time for it.

i need to write songs. a lot of them too. and make sure that my band goes into recording in 4 months time. we are a good band. and we are closely knitted. and good followings in the scene. and itz a waste to give it all up now.i'm on irc now. lets see a snippet of the current conversation.

[14:24] &ltpasteL> may i ask u a personal qn?
[14:24] &ltme> yep?
[14:24] &ltpastel> do u plan to settle down?
[14:24] &ltme> nope
[14:24] &ltpastel> not at all?
[14:24] &ltme> not at all
[14:24] &ltpastel> why, if u dont mind?
[14:24] &ltme> coz i had never found the interest for matrimony

have i?

prolly i had.. but to think abt being hypocritical to someone just to appease them? i have to live my life telling lies that makes them happy. is that a norm? or do ppl change their life and mindset to suit someone else? that doesnt make u the person are. it doesnt make u YOU. but maybe a lot of minds think thatz ok. is it ok to me? i dont know.. maybe not now. not after 32 yrz of life. had never been. maybe my mindset change will be much later than a lot of other ppl. maybe it will never come and i am just ME.

a lot of ppl think that they are different from the rest of the world. are they? am i? i think not. i think a lot of kids think that they would be able to fly one day and the world can see them as the long awaited superhero. a lot of ppl think that they can master the powers of telekinetics.. yeah... rite..

i should think that i am just like everyone else. just that, characteristically, i am self centered. i do emphatise with ppl that needs emphathy. and symphatise to those who needs sympathy. and i dont mind doing things for them and i should think that i had. but i have my own needs and i dont compromise in what i look for when it comes to someone that i need as my companion.i go for looks and character. is it too much to ask to want something so perfect?

is there anyone who fit the criterias?

i'm sure there are. and i'm sure there are someone in this world whoz looking for me as much as i am looking for her. itz just like a fairy tale. and i found that perfect person in her. she's beautiful and she's intelligent. and she has the characteristics that i am looking for. i just hope that she can forever be mine. but as i had mentioned before, i'm preparing for the loss of her. our family situation, or rather, her family, is too complicated for us to continue. are we heading to a miracle or just threading the time slowly till it brings us nowhere.

which reminds me of a tv show i saw 2 nites ago in taipei. cant remember the title. abt a girl in states who had seen the name of her soulmate somewhere.. on the internet i guess.. and she's abt to marry someone else when she sniffed the presence of this guy thru a telephone call.. and he's unfortunately, and not on his own purpose, elusive. she travelled to italy to look for this guy when she found out that he left states for rome. and as she was chasing after his presence, they strangely met in a cinderella situation, where her shoe got stuck while she run after his shadow, and he found it, chased after her.. and they met, and kissed.. blablablabla.. this explaination is getting draggy..

but anyway.. in fact, the guy pretended to have the name that she mentioned coz he fell for her when he saw her. itz a tv show. who carez. it doesnt happen that way in real life. or does it?

i didnt get to catch the rest of the movie coz i needed to check out of the hotel.

why do i need to lie? why men lie and why women cry? i have not read that book yet. but if itz anything that i think it is, itz out of differences in what we hope for in someone. is there a guy anywhere in the world that dont lie to make his partner happy? do i look fat? no dear.. u dont. in fact, she doesnt, but itz something that women always ask and itz hell of the same to me dear. u dont. do u think this look good on me? yes dear.. u sure? no dear.. hmm..

guys lie all the time coz itz what their partners wanna hear.

girls cry coz we lied to them, and they expect us to be truthful to them. and yet if we are truthful, they will cry even more. and with that comes disappointment coz we are not what they expected us to be. they expect a man whoz pure and perfect and have eyes for only them. but they feel happy when a guy notes that they are pretty. and wouldnt that guy be a partner for another girl? so aint it normal for a guy to look at and admire the beauty of another girl, as long as he dont pursue, ogle or fantasize? and he have enough respect for his partner not to do it in front of her. itz just like.. hmm.. ok.. she's pretty. and thatz it.

get into a matrimonial communion and spend the rest of ur life telling lies, pretending to be someone u are not, compromise in emotions u dont possess.love dont make the world go round. i refuse to live a hypocritical life.

a lil white lie.. daddy daddy.. mom made a boo boo..

sad song.. isnt it..