In the beginning, there was Light

Is it weird to have a partner and still feel lonely?

hmm.. I had never been someone who can open up with my true feelings. Why? I have had the habit of telling my partners what they wanna hear. Maybe its just a guy thing.

The differences between a man and a woman. Women wanna hear nice things. Sweet things. And if we say something that's abt how we really feel, they'll feel hurt. Not that i had never hurt anyone before.. i know i did.. but..Do i love her? yes i do.. that, for a fact, i know. Do i see myself with her? i wish.. but things are too complicated for me to even dream of that. it seems like i had prepared myself for a loss once she's gone. and she might be gone coz i take the leave instead.

would i miss her?

how do i feel? what do i want?

i want a girl who's independent. and who will do things on her own. and i do things on my own. we have our own needs, and responsibilities that we have to perform on our own. and on top of that, we spend some nice quality time with each other.i hate racing up and down the highway every single day and not being able to do a lot of things which i know i must do. and normally, i'm too exhausted to do things that i must. but i know how much it means to her. and we dont get to spend much time. abt 2 hours on days that i am not working and when itz safe for her to meet. is it too much for her to ask for that from me? i guess not. itz a sacrifice that i need to make for her. i do love her.

what must i do now?

procrastination is evil.

i can do all that when i am outstation. i think i can. but without inspiration, nothing can be done. but what inspires?when i am outstation, i tell myself that i need to do somethings when i am back in singapore. when i'm driving, i think abt doing it when i am not. and when i am not, i do a lot of other things coz i'm too tired to think.

or am i just procrastinating?

i need to write programs. a lot of them. in which i have no time to even sit down and design it. i had been itching to write all these words for a long time now. but till now, i had never found the time to comprehend how i feel. i know i'm good in this. but i need to find a lot of time for it.

i need to write songs. a lot of them too. and make sure that my band goes into recording in 4 months time. we are a good band. and we are closely knitted. and good followings in the scene. and itz a waste to give it all up now.i'm on irc now. lets see a snippet of the current conversation.

[14:24] &ltpasteL> may i ask u a personal qn?
[14:24] &ltme> yep?
[14:24] &ltpastel> do u plan to settle down?
[14:24] &ltme> nope
[14:24] &ltpastel> not at all?
[14:24] &ltme> not at all
[14:24] &ltpastel> why, if u dont mind?
[14:24] &ltme> coz i had never found the interest for matrimony

have i?

prolly i had.. but to think abt being hypocritical to someone just to appease them? i have to live my life telling lies that makes them happy. is that a norm? or do ppl change their life and mindset to suit someone else? that doesnt make u the person are. it doesnt make u YOU. but maybe a lot of minds think thatz ok. is it ok to me? i dont know.. maybe not now. not after 32 yrz of life. had never been. maybe my mindset change will be much later than a lot of other ppl. maybe it will never come and i am just ME.

a lot of ppl think that they are different from the rest of the world. are they? am i? i think not. i think a lot of kids think that they would be able to fly one day and the world can see them as the long awaited superhero. a lot of ppl think that they can master the powers of telekinetics.. yeah... rite..

i should think that i am just like everyone else. just that, characteristically, i am self centered. i do emphatise with ppl that needs emphathy. and symphatise to those who needs sympathy. and i dont mind doing things for them and i should think that i had. but i have my own needs and i dont compromise in what i look for when it comes to someone that i need as my companion.i go for looks and character. is it too much to ask to want something so perfect?

is there anyone who fit the criterias?

i'm sure there are. and i'm sure there are someone in this world whoz looking for me as much as i am looking for her. itz just like a fairy tale. and i found that perfect person in her. she's beautiful and she's intelligent. and she has the characteristics that i am looking for. i just hope that she can forever be mine. but as i had mentioned before, i'm preparing for the loss of her. our family situation, or rather, her family, is too complicated for us to continue. are we heading to a miracle or just threading the time slowly till it brings us nowhere.

which reminds me of a tv show i saw 2 nites ago in taipei. cant remember the title. abt a girl in states who had seen the name of her soulmate somewhere.. on the internet i guess.. and she's abt to marry someone else when she sniffed the presence of this guy thru a telephone call.. and he's unfortunately, and not on his own purpose, elusive. she travelled to italy to look for this guy when she found out that he left states for rome. and as she was chasing after his presence, they strangely met in a cinderella situation, where her shoe got stuck while she run after his shadow, and he found it, chased after her.. and they met, and kissed.. blablablabla.. this explaination is getting draggy..

but anyway.. in fact, the guy pretended to have the name that she mentioned coz he fell for her when he saw her. itz a tv show. who carez. it doesnt happen that way in real life. or does it?

i didnt get to catch the rest of the movie coz i needed to check out of the hotel.

why do i need to lie? why men lie and why women cry? i have not read that book yet. but if itz anything that i think it is, itz out of differences in what we hope for in someone. is there a guy anywhere in the world that dont lie to make his partner happy? do i look fat? no dear.. u dont. in fact, she doesnt, but itz something that women always ask and itz hell of the same to me dear. u dont. do u think this look good on me? yes dear.. u sure? no dear.. hmm..

guys lie all the time coz itz what their partners wanna hear.

girls cry coz we lied to them, and they expect us to be truthful to them. and yet if we are truthful, they will cry even more. and with that comes disappointment coz we are not what they expected us to be. they expect a man whoz pure and perfect and have eyes for only them. but they feel happy when a guy notes that they are pretty. and wouldnt that guy be a partner for another girl? so aint it normal for a guy to look at and admire the beauty of another girl, as long as he dont pursue, ogle or fantasize? and he have enough respect for his partner not to do it in front of her. itz just like.. hmm.. ok.. she's pretty. and thatz it.

get into a matrimonial communion and spend the rest of ur life telling lies, pretending to be someone u are not, compromise in emotions u dont possess.love dont make the world go round. i refuse to live a hypocritical life.

a lil white lie.. daddy daddy.. mom made a boo boo..

sad song.. isnt it..